8. Introductions (Part 1)

8. Introductions (Part 1): Birth parent/adopter meeting:

This is often a difficult and contentious decision faced by a lot of adopters. I often see one adopter more for it than the other, the other is often quite rightly anxious and skeptical about the benefits of it. In my experience the agency will often simply ask you if want to meet the birth family face to face. Some practitioners (but not all) don’t fully explain the purpose or benefits of engaging in such an unusual and emotive meeting.

When you ask your friends and family what they think, a lot of people’s immediate reaction is likely to be negative, such as 'why on earth would you want to do that?!'. Those with little experience or understanding of adoption may always struggle with this concept, even if you try to explain it to them. Also, adopters like to take ownership of their children and generally don’t like to be reminded that their children have other parents out there.

I imagine you will be anxious but remember it is highly unlikely you will be at any risk, otherwise the agency would not be recommending it. You will undoubtedly run through all of the worst case scenarios and what ifs. I work with birth families and believe me they are equally, if not more, nervous about meeting adopters. I always recommend doing it if it is safe to do so, developing this relationship could provide you with access to a range of future benefits. But it is a very personal decision and ultimately it yours to make, so don't feel pressured into doing anything you are not comfortable with.

Some of the benefits include;

• When the subject of being adopted eventually comes up, you will be able to talk about birth parent(s) as though you have met them (because you have!). We built up this image in our heads of what they would be like, meeting them changed that view. They may not be our favourite people in the world, but we do see them slightly differently now.

• Children are very visual, so if you are able to get a picture of you all together, this will help them understand their story. Having a clear understanding of life events and seeing their adoptive parents with their birth parents sends a powerful message. This can also stop children fantasising about what happened and what life may have looked like.

• The majority of the time birth families will not agree with a plan of adoption, but meeting you means they would be writing to someone and not sending letterbox letters off into the ether. I personally believe this will make them more likely to engage in letterbox contact.

• You can gather additional information about lots of things such as the pregnancy/birth, what life looked like when they were at home as a toddler or information about the wider family and birth parents.

As mentioned, the meeting can help negate some of those negative feelings you may have developed through reading reports and speaking to professionals. Speaking to them face to face made me realise that despite what they had done, they did genuinely love our children and we could see/feel the pain of their loss when they were talking about them. Developing some empathy and trying to develop a more positive view of birth parents should help when talking about adoption in the future. I am not a psychologist but I believe that as your child(ren) get older they might start asking more questions; if you are overly negative, dismissive or openly express hateful feelings about their birth family they are more likely to internalise their feelings. They won’t suddenly stop thinking or feeling about them, they will just be less likely to talk to anyone about it. Children are not equipped to deal with these complex emotions and concepts, therefore some may even subconsciously see this overly negative biological link as a reflection of themselves.

We were fortunate that they agreed to meet us, despite poor planning and a lack of sufficient support, our meeting went very well. It was totally different to what we expected; it was far more emotional than we anticipated (we were all a mess afterwards). Also, hearing the birth parents say they were relieved their children were going to a lovely home really struck a cord with me. We heard afterwards that although it was hard for them, they found it to be quite a cathartic process.

When I am involved in these meetings, I like them to be very structured, planned and well supported. The child’s social worker or Family Finder should meet the birth parents a couple of weeks in advance of the meeting to lay the ground rules and produce up to 10 questions. You, with the support of your Social Worker if necessary, should also produce up to 10 questions then both parties can share them and agree what they will or won’t answer. This means everyone knows what to expect and will help to alleviate some of those anxieties. This does not mean they have to be super rigid, if people are comfortable to do so, then conversation can start to flow naturally from the questions. Your Social Worker should help work out some of the details such as who arrives at what times, the venue, whether to use first names, middle names, fake names or no names at all.

You can ask any question you like as long as it is appropriate. You can ask things like why they chose that particular name, if they have any aspirations for the children, what significant things they did together, what the pregnancy was like etc. This can be a very useful opportunity to ask those questions which you would want to know as a child but may not have been captured in reports. I have also had birth families bring baby pictures, photo albums and even produced a scrap book for adopters to take away. Most would not naturally think to do this or know they are allowed, therefore if it something that you would like then simply ask your Social Worker to float the question.