11. Placement (Part 2)

11. Placement (Part 2)

The Routine:

Regardless of the child or children's age, I would argue they all need a predictable and rigid structure initially, so they know what to expect day in day out. A clear, consistent routine will help them root themselves and promote feelings of stability, security and trust. It does not have to be super rigid forever, but I would keep it as similar as what they had in care as possible until you are confident they have settled. This varies greatly and but can take a couple of months or longer. Our little one took a bit longer than usual and did not fully settle until about a year later; however, we were dealing with more than just moving between placements. All of my smoothest and most successful placements have been with adopters who do this. Remember you can't get those early days back.

Children who have experienced multiple professionals, carers and placement moves are likely to be more indiscriminate than what you would usually expect. They might go to anyone and be more comfortable with others they are not familiar with undertaking care tasks. Attachment building is so important for all children, but more so with children who have been in care. This is a good opportunity to try and start developing a secure attachment as oppose to simply seeing them as ‘confident’ or 'sociable'.

This is child specific and will vary greatly, but a key way of building attachment is through care tasks. This includes feeding, changing, bathing, comforting and close body contact. I often recommend that the adoptive parents should be the sole ones who complete these tasks in the first few months. This is usually another area that people with limited understanding of adoption often struggle with, friends and family will naturally want to get involved to support you. The best way they can do this early on is by simply listening to how you are feeling or practically helping with non-child related tasks (such as shopping or helping clean). It may feel unnatural to them, as they will likely want to help feed, bath or change nappies etc. Don't be surprised if this kind of advice is derided or ignored due to a lack of understanding. Again it is down to personal choice, but early in the placement I often recommend others encourage the child(ren) to go to their adoptive parent for any needs or comfort as much as possible. Keep in mind that this is a confusing and scary time for children and they need to know who their primary carer is.

Bad Habits

This is a common conversation I have with adopters, although they are often reticent about discussing it with social workers, I believe it is an important one. Ultimately, you are taking over from someone else’s parenting. There will undoubtedly be some (or in some cases, LOTS) of things you don’t agree with. As uncomfortable as it is (speaking from experience), I strongly advise you keep those 'bad' habits for at least a month then slowly phase them out one at a time. There is a temptation to bring children in line with house rules, routines, habits and your own personal views on parenting. But bare in mind that this can be so overwhelming for some children that you will be making your life so much harder in the long run.

Some common examples include; dreadful diets, 24/7 dummy use, bottle feeding toddlers like babies, a lack of boundaries or structured routines. We found it very difficult to carry on with the unpleasant habits but I am glad we did, slowly addressing them one at a time. It took a while but most of the bad habits were all gone within about 3 months with as little impact on the children as possible. If we had seen any signs that they were struggling with these changes then we would have carried on a little longer too. We made a conscious decision to sit as a couple and decided how long we would wait, which ones we would address and in what order, whilst drawing on the advice of the health visitor and social workers.

Don't get me wrong, lots of foster carers do an amazing job. But you are inheriting someone else’s parenting and you are not always going to agree with it. I am not going pretend this is easy to do, but no matter how ridiculous their old routine and habits may seem to you it is what your child knows and is comfortable with. As hard as this may be, try and carry on with the routine and way they have done things for at least the first 2-4 weeks if you can then address one thing at a time and do it slowly. You will be able to tell if they become unsettled, if they do then I would leave it and try again later. Obviously this applies to habits and routines, things like poor or inappropriate behaviour management are a different kettle of fish that you will need to speak to your social worker about.

Social workers are usually required to visit every week for 4 weeks, this can then reduce to 4 - 6 weekly. Make the most of this, don't be afraid to be honest and tell them how you are feeling. I see it as a strength when people are able to recognise and accept they need help. Most adopters I have met are terrified that if they say or do the wrong thing social workers might take the child(ren) back into care, but this is simply not true. Most social workers want it to work and will try to help as much as they can. Even as a social worker myself I was guilty of this, if I could go back I would have been more open and asked for help when I needed it. My little one was so traumatised and struggling with the transition that they were a nightmare to care for. Adoption is so alien to most people that no one knew what to say or understood what I was going through. This is a very lonely place to be, but I was so scared they would think I wasn't doing a good enough job that I minimised what I was going through. It was only after months of struggling and the situation deteriorating that I finally admitted I needed help and got the advice and reassurance I needed.

The Looked After Children (LAC) review:

Children in care have what are known as LAC reviews, this is where their care plans are reviewed by an Independent Reviewing Officer. This is independent, so if there is something you are not happy with regarding the service that you have tried to deal with unsuccessfully, this is a good time to raise it formally and have it recorded. They will discuss the varying needs of the child(ren) and ensure that everyone is doing what they are supposed to. They usually go through a variety of things like health, development, educational needs, any contact arrangements, timescales and any outstanding pieces of work. They are important and part of a formal process, but in my experience they are usually very informal when it comes to adoptions.